Things I'd Never Say
by Kris Chambers
Summary: Nikki's figuring things out on her own, little does she know how much she'll need the gangs help.
1. How's My Driving?

**Author's Note – Sorry for the long break, way too long. As you may know, I got into a spot of trouble with my grades, and was grounded until Christmas. Well, for the last two terms I didn't do great, so I'm only just getting my computer back. Technically, I'm still not allowed on fanfiction, but I know you won't tell. Well, it's been so long, that I completely forget what I was going to write for the other one, so I'm gonna try something new. Here's to one of my favorite couplings, Nikki/Jen. Check the fire on your flames, and as always, enjoy.**

**Disclaimer – I don't own the show or characters, if I did, I'd prolly forget to feed them…**

**These Things I'd Never Say**

_Why am I so happy,_

_If I'm really dying inside?_

_I know it may sound sappy,_

_But I think I'm lying to hide._

_You know I need to talk to you, _

_But there's something holding me back._

_It seems like everything I do,_

_Leads to bracing for attack._

_Don't think it's a matter of lack of trust,_

_Or a case of misunderstanding._

_I guess I'm too demanding,_

_But I'm trapped in the web of lust._

_But maybe I'm just doomed to the fate,_

_Of leading the cursed life of hate._

_But with one exception you may know,_

_I can't seem to say to it in this language,_

_So Te quiero._

Nikki sighed and closed her notebook softly. She looked around her dimly lit room, still lost in thought. The maps, that seemed to cover every inch of bare wall, all had multicolored pins sticking out of them. Blue for where she'd already been, red for places she absolutely needed to go, and green for the places she'd see eventually. Sadly, red was the most common. Much to her disappointment, Nikki had only been out Canada a few times, mostly to go back to Korea with her parents. She was already sixteen, but had barely seen anything. Nikki considered it to be a waste, specifically since she'd been wasting her life rotting away at the Khaki Barn. And then with her grades and lack of extracurriculars, she'd never get that scholarship she needed to get her sorry ass out of this hell. But maybe things wouldn't be so bad, at least if there weren't any problems with the group, but everything had been going downhill in her life ever since Jen and Jude had hooked up. Everyone thought that Jude had something special with Starr, but that idea had gotten trashed when she turned goth, but with Jen's strict "friends don't date friends" rule, everyone was shocked when he finally got up the guts to "casually" ask her out at their junior prom. Sure, everyone was surprised, but Nikki had been shell shocked, I mean Jen, her Jen, going out with the skaterboy? Of course she wasn't really her Jen, that was just wishful thinking on Nikki's part. But how Nikki loved the redhead.

'I always have, really.' Nikki reasoned with herself. Oh sure, Nikki knew what, or more over who, she was. She understood what these feelings meant, and though she'd really known all along, she still hadn't told anyone. It wasn't for fear of being judged, really you can't have that fear when you walk around with purple hair, your face pierced and expressing your opinions loudly and sarcastically. No, Nikki was never afraid of being judged, she just didn't feel it was necessary to ruin the gang, the six, with something as mundane as her being what she was. Or at least, that's what she kept telling herself. Deep down, she knew it was simply knowing that if she 'came out' she'd have to face not being able to be with Jen, which she wasn't sure she herself could handle yet. So, Nikki felt that for the time being, coming out was just a stupid thing to do.

Nikki put her notebook back in her bag and glanced over at the alarm clock. 5:45 was blinking back at her in bright red. She yawned and rubbed her eyes.

"I s'pose it's late enough…' she mumbled to herself before grabbing a pair of jeans, a shirt and a towel and heading out to the bathroom. Shielding her eyes from the bright light, she turned on the shower and started to undress. Finally, just as the water was heating up, she got in.

'But if I do tell them, it would make life easier for me, in a sense' she informed herself. At least then, Caitlin would stop trying to hook her up with guys, and the Jonesy thing…

'Ugg…' Nikki groaned aloud. She'd known Jonesy since she was three, he was practically her brother, even if she was straight, she wouldn't have been interested. But of course, once he'd asked her out, how could she say no? He was after all the closest thing she had to a brother, and she didn't want to hurt him. Plus, pretending to go out with Jonesy, well on her part, would have waved away any suspicions or questions as to her sexuality. She did that occasionally, just to throw everyone off, but usually her 'crushes' were always people they didn't hang out with, generally complete strangers. Just like Hunter. But she knew she couldn't do this forever. None of the guys she'd dated so far had given her anything, made her feel anywhere near the way she did when Jen so much as talked to her. No she'd felt nothing for any of them, and she knew it wasn't just a matter of 'finding the right one' as Caitlin put it, she just wasn't in to guys.

'Things are getting way too complicated… again. If I just told them, really, what's the worst that could happen?' she silently asked herself.

'Well, I could come out, my parents disown me, my friends hate me and see me as a freak. I could be shunned at school, fired from my job and have to find a place on my own with no money, all because of this stupid town's homophobia!' she answered herself sarcastically, even angrily.

'But I can't keep living like this, it's tearing me apart, no matter where I go, it's always there. She's always there, and even if she's not, some other girl is and then I stare and I'm left to make up some excuse..' she trailed off. 'I'm sick of living this way. That's it, I don't care how they take it, I have to tell someone. I'm doing it today.'

She rinsed out her hair and got out.

'Some people find showers refreshing and relaxing. I don't think I'll ever understand'

Climbing into her car with her mom a half an hour later, Nikki argued her side the same as ever.

'Mom, how am I ever going to learn how to drive if you don't let me practice?' Nikki asked, knowing how this was going to end.

'But you don't have your license yet, sweetie. I'll let you drive the second you get that' Mrs. Wong replied, not looking at her daughter.

'But Mom, I have my permit, it let's you drive as long as someone who has their license is in the car with you' Nikki said slowly, as if her mother was stupid.

'Not today honey, and don't sarcastic with me'

From the backseat, Nikki just sighed and rolled her eyes.

They got to the mall about ten minutes later.

'Ok, I'll pick you up here at six, right?' asked Mrs. Wong.

'No, I'm going over to Jen's tonight, remember? I'll be home at six tomorrow, or maybe later on tonight. I don't know, I'll just get home whenever I do' Nikki replied, starting to leave. Her mother yelled something at her back, but Nikki was far enough away to pretend she hadn't heard. As she reached the table, none of the gang was in sight.

'Well of course their not, it only seven-ish.' Nikki explained to herself. 'No one'll be here for at least another half an hour' She sighed and looked around. 'I really gotta see a shrink.'

Sitting back in her chair, Nikki pulled out her notebook and started writing.

_I'm sorry if I seem confused,_

'_cause I don't have a clue._

_And if I seem blunt,_

_It's 'cause I missed all my cues._

_And if I seem stupid,_

_It's 'cause I'm a fool._

_When I'm around you, my heart starts up fast._

_But then when you leave, it never lasts._

_I'm cheesy, I know, but I don't know what to say._

_Knowing you'll break my heart any day._

_Not on purpose, maybe._

_You probably can't see,_

_What you're doing to me._

_And now I'll never be free,_

_Of this retched curse called a crush._

'Hey Nick! Oh, what're you writing?' Jen asked, walking towards the table.

'Oh… nothing, it was just nothing' Nikki said, shoving her notebook back in her bag.

'Yeah, right! Come on, you never let me see that notebook' Jen said, reaching for the bag. Nikki snatched it up and turned to leave.

'Look, I gotta go to work, before the clones fire my sorry ass' Nikki said, looking slightly apologetic. Jen's face fell,

'Oh… alright then. See ya later' she called to Nikki's back. Before she'd even turned the corner, Nikki knew Jen hadn't bought her excuse. She was cutting close, too close, and if she knew Jen, the rest of the gang would know of the little 'incident' before lunch.

Not wanting to go straight to hell, Nikki detoured the vegan shop, where Starr.. er, Nebula worked. She knew she could finish her poem there, no questions asked. She might even let Nebula read it. She went and sat at the front counter and pulled out her notebook. She didn't bother to get Starr… Nebula, she just started writing.

_So if I seem nervous,_

_I'm scared for my life._

_If I seem anxious,_

_I'm bracing for strife._

_And if I seem stressed,_

_I'm usually the one taking the shove._

_But if I seem different,_

_It's 'cause I'm in love._

Nikki finished and looked around her. She always spaced when she was writing. She got the strange feeling of being watched, so naturally, she turned around. Leaning over slightly to read over her shoulder was Jen. Nikki slammed the book shut, but by the look on Jen's face, she registered it was too late.

'What's going on, Nick?' she asked, concern in her voice.

**Author's Note – Ok, well, that was short, but fun. Tell me what you think. I'm not sure where Nikki's from, but I guessed Korea. Oh and all the poetry in here's written by me, so yeah, don't steal it…**


	2. What's Going On?

Author's Note – Left you on a bit of a cliffy last time. Yeah, I like doing that…he he. It's just another little part of my evil genius. Anyways, on with the show.

'What's going on, Nick?' her words rang through me, shattering all feelings of peace. I needed to get out of there, and fast. I quickly gathered up my things, turned to Jen, gave her yet another apologetic look and simply said;

'Nothing's wrong, you know me, I always have my head in the clouds, I just came over to grab a bite to eat before dealing with the clones, but now, I really have to go. Sorry' I walked past her, wincing as she grabbed my arm and held me back.

"Always have your head in the clouds'? Nikki, what's up with you today? You seem off. Come on, talk to me. Are you mad at me?' she asked trying to catch my eye. I looked away.

'No, I'm not mad at you, and really, I'm fine, I just had a late night last night, I keep drifting off. I'm sorry, but I really have to go' I shook off her grip and walked away. As I left, I could feel Nebula's stare burn a hole through my back.

'Is she okay? I mean, it seems like she's trying to get away from you, do you have an idea why?' Nebula asked.

'I don't know, but I plan on finding out. I'll talk to you later, okay?' Jen said before walking away, supposedly to the Penalty Box.

I didn't trust Jen enough to actually go to work, so I played it safe, and went to the Crappy Barn. My suspicions were proven right, when less than an hour and a half later, Jen came, apparently set on getting me to talk.

'Hey Nikki, I was just on my break, and I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch or something?' she seemed a bit nervous, which was odd because this was Jen. Then another thought entered my mind, what if this was it? What if she knew? But there was no way she could, I mean no one knew. She couldn't have gotten that much from one poem. No, she was just trying to find out-

'I know, if that helps at all' she said, staring intently at me. I froze. She knew? How could she know? I decided to play dumb.

'Know what?' I asked, trying my best to look puzzled, but it came out as what I'm pretty sure was a grimace.

'I know what's wrong. I was talking to Caitlin and she agreed. You've been acting strangely ever since Jude and I got together. It's okay that you like him, by the way' she said all of this really fast, and it was hard to hear her, but once what she was trying to say hit, I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it.

'Me? Like Jude? Are you crazy? That's nowhere near it!' I was laughing so hard it was hard to get all of this out, but once I did, I checked for her reaction. I expected her to look hurt or dumbfounded. What I didn't expect was for her to crack an evil grin.

'So, there is something then? What is it Nikki? And don't it's nothing, because I heard you clearly. You said 'That's nowhere near it'. So what is?' That sobered me up.

'I have to get back to work' I said. Yeah right. Behind me I heard a few of the clones snicker. Jen looked at her watch.

'Are you still coming over tonight?' she asked, looking around.

'Maybe, I'm really not sure' I said, not looking at her.

'I'll take that as a yes. Okay well, it's quarter to ten now, so I'll be back at one twenty. Then I'm taking the rest of the day off, and so are you' at this she stared at the clones. They just nodded and went back to gossiping, probably about me.

'Wait, I can't' I said, searching for an excuse. 'I… uh.. promised Jonesy I'd go to lunch with him' I was confident this would work.

'You just cancelled' she said sounding sure. 'I'll be back, then we're going to lunch, and you're going to talk' That's it, there was no way out of this. She turned and left, but not before giving me an over enthusiastic wave.

'See ya later!' she called over her shoulder.

'What was that about?' Krissy asked, coming over to see what I was doing.

'Nothing, I'm taking a break' I said, turning to leave.

'But you're taking the afternoon off!' she called to my back. I just shrugged and kept walking.

I had no idea where to go, I just let my feet carry me as I thought. How was I going to tell Jen? What could I say? How much should I tell her?

'Nikki! Hey bra, how's it hanging?' Jude skated up to me, just coming out of the Penalty Box. The Penalty Box? Great, I was just headed towards my death.

'Hey Jude, what're you up to?' I asked, noticing for the first time Jen, who was staring at me intently.

'Not much, dudette, not much. I was just gonna grab some fries, you wanna come?' Noticing the look on Jen's face, I needed to get out of there.

'Sure' I said 'Sounds good' We headed out towards the food court.

'So bra, Jen tells me there might be something wrong. You wanna share?' he asked looking at me. I looked around, pretending to look for a good table. Why can't I look at anyone today?

'No? That's cool too bra, it's just everyone's gonna bug you 'bout it anyways' finally I looked at him. He was right, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell him. I decided to test the water.

'Jude, what kind of people do you hate?' I asked looking at him.

'I'm not sure I know what you mean, dudette. Like Goths or something?' he asked, looking puzzled.

'Yeah, like goths or preps or gays, you know that type of thing' I said, looking back at my feet.

'Gays? Bra, there's a big difference between being goth and being gay' he said, looking at me.

'I know' I said 'I was just wondering, are you homophobic or something?' When did I suddenly lose the ability to play it cool?

'No dudette, you know Kimmy? Yeah, well she digs chicks and she's been one of my best friends since, like forever' he said calmly as he got in line for fries. 'Why d'you ask?'

'No reason, just wondering, you know, we never talk about these things' I said, pulling out my wallet.

'True, but why'd you bring it up now?' Damn, now he was getting suspicious. What could I say? I thought about what to say as we ordered.

By the time we'd made our way down to a table, I'd made up my mind. I was going to tell him.

'Jude… you're right. There's something I'm not telling you,' Wow, way to go Captain Obvious. 'It's just…it's hard for me to say'

'It's okay, you don't have to say it yet, if you're not ready' When did Jude become sensitive?

'Wait, so you know?' I asked, that had never even been a possibility. What if they all knew? What if I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought?

'Not a clue bra. But coming from you, this must be big. You don't have to tell me you know' I breathed a sigh of relief, so he didn't know.

'I don't think I'm ready, but I have to tell someone' I took a breath to calm myself down. 'Jude, the problem is… I.. I'm.. gay.' I said it. I couldn't look at him. After a few seconds I looked up, his jaw had dropped, but he seemed to recover. He gave me a knowing smile.

'You want me to hook you up with Kimmy?' he asked, still smiling. I chuckled. But that's when I heard it, the gasp from somewhere close by.

I turned around to see who it was, feeling a little dizzy and light headed from finally telling someone, and it going well.

That's when it registered. Looking at me with an expression of mingled shock and horror was Krissy. What was she doing here?

'Nikki…'

Author's Note – Ou, cliffy!!!


	3. Off Key

Author's Note - Sorry 'bout the long wait. Oh well, on with the show.

'Nikki…' her shrill voice carried over the murmur of the food court. Time seemed to stop as she stared at me. Then, as if she'd never been there, she was gone. I was left in shock, staring blankly at her retreating back.

'Bra… wasn't that like, your boss?' Jude said, looking after what I was staring at.

'Yeah… I better go' I said, grabbing my bag and turning to leave.

'Wait before you leave' Jude said, pulling out a piece of paper and a pen. 'I'm serious, give her a call, she's really nice' he handed me the number and gave me a warm smile. I pulled him into a hug.

'Oh Jude' I said 'I'm so glad I talked to you'

'Me too, bra. I'll catch ya later' he said as I walked away.

I was afraid to go back to work, so running through a list of places I could go in my head, I decided on Underground. I could talk to Wyatt, hang out and write, and I knew no one would bug me. Making my decision, I turned a corner and damn near sprinted the whole way. I slowed down as I got closer, the familiar sight of Wyatt restocking shelves calming me a little. I walked up to the counter and rang the bell.

'Just a second, please' Wyatt said without turning around. I rang the bell repeatedly, trying my best to look impatient.

'I said, just a min… oh hey Nikki' he said, finally turning around. 'What're you doing down here, don't you have work?' I snorted, and he looked up again. 'On another break? Why haven't they fired you yet?'

'Honestly, I have no idea. I think I make them look better.' I said, trying not to think of Krissy. It wasn't working, she was so gonna fire me, or worse, out me to everyone.

'Nikki, you in there?' Wyatt asked waving a hand in front of my face.

'Wha… Oh yeah, sorry, what were you asking?'

'Man Jen was right, you really are out of it today. I was asking if you've seen Jude?' he asked, staring at me.

'Yeah, I just had lunch with him… Wait, what did Jen say about me?' I eyed him suspiciously. So I'd been right, she had told everyone.

'Oh nothing really, she just casually mentioned that' I gave him a death glare. 'Okay, she said you seemed off, and sent us all out to find out why' he gulped as I chuckled.

'You're too easy.' I said, going to flop down on the couch. He stalled over by the counter. I flipped out my notebook and was about to start writing when he cleared his throat.

'So… uh… Are you gonna tell me?' he asked, a little nervously.

'What's there to tell?' I asked, 'Look, come sit down' I gestured to the chair across from me. He walked over tentatively, as though any sudden movements might set me off. I rolled my eyes as he sat down slowly. After a few brief moments of silence, Wyatt jerked his head up.

'I just remembered, I have something for you, in the back. I'll only be a sec' he said, getting up to get whatever it was he had. I sighed and pulled idly at a loose thread on the hem of my shirt. I heard a slight rummaging sound, followed by a small crash and a 'Shit!' I chuckled a bit as Wyatt came out, holding something behind his back with one hand, and trying to wipe the coffee off his shirt with the other.

'Smooth' I said as he sat down and pulled a movie from behind his back.

'Here' he half grunted as he tossed it into me lap, trying to pull of his shirt at the same time, revealing a plain white t-shirt underneath. I picked the movie off my lap, I had no idea what it was.

'They're film festival movies' he said, noticing my expression. 'Only copy in the store, I knew you'd be the only one who'd appreciate them' he said, giving me a small smile.

'Thanks Wyatt, I'll watch 'em tonight' His smile brightened.

'How 'bout we go get some coffee at Grind Me?' he asked, getting up again.

'Sure, I could go for a coffee' I said, getting up too. I glanced over my shoulder long enough to see I'd left my notebook and the dvd. I snatched the both and tossed them in my bag. By the time I turned around again, Wyatt was waiting at the entrance.

'Wayne, I'm taking my break' he called out to the backroom. There was a muffled 'Whatever' for a reply. 'Okay, let's go' Wyatt said before heading out.

We walked for a few minutes in silence. For some reason, my feet had suddenly become really interesting.

'So… are we ever going to know?' Wyatt asked, apparently examining me out of the corner of his eyes.

'Hmm… maybe. But not now. Besides, what's your interest in this anyways?' I asked trying to chose my words wisely. No good.

'Because, you're one of my best friends. Hell you're practically my sister, of course I'd want to know when something's wrong.' He said this as sincerely as he could, and I knew it. It was always hard not to taking him one hundred percent seriously.

'Lets just get some coffee, okay?' I snapped. I tried just to close the subject, but I could tell by the wounded look on Wyatt's face that I may have been a little harsh.

'Okay, but let me get it this time, you go sit down' As much as I wanted to argue, the couch by the fireplace was free. Judging by the size of the line, I might just be able to get a little writing in. I sat on the couch, getting out my notebook and curling up near the arm.

_You're really standing there, asking me why I cry?_

_Well wouldn't you if you're life was a lie?_

_Oh, to hell with it now, I just want to die._

_If up is down, and black is white,_

_Why is it I can't take flight?_

_If everything's so backwards, just turn off the light._

_But then again, nothing's ever felt so right._

_You with me and me with you,_

_Why is that such a hard thing to do?_

_My thoughts swirl around, and if only you knew,_

_Then maybe you could learn to love me too._

'I got the coffee's.' Wyatt said, waking me from my reverie. In his hands were two large coffees, and he placed one on the table in front of me before sliding down on the couch nextto me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him glance down at my notebook, left open on the table. I instinctively ran my hand over it, moving to close it, but then stopped. I withdrew my hand and waited. Wyatt, apparently aware that it was left to him to make the next move, cleared his throat and tried to spark conversation.

'I didn't know you wrote poetry' he said, looking at me. I grunted in response, I really had no idea what to say.

'So… uh.. what type of poetry do you write?' he asked, still trying. I really had no idea, seeing as how I never read poetry, I just sort of wrote what I thought, it just happened to come out sounding all pretty. When I didn't supply an answer, Wyatt slowly leaned over and picked up the book. Taking my lack of reaction as a good sign, he started reading. For awhile I just sat there as he flipped through the pages. Finally I heard him give a soft whistle, and place the book back on the table. He took a long sip from his coffee, as though contemplating. Finally he turned to me, I felt his stare rather than saw it.

'You're good' he said 'Really good.'

'Thanks' I mumbled, not daring to look up.

'Why did you let me read these? You've never let anyone read them before, have you?' he asked, curiosity tinting his voice.

'I knew you'd be the only one who'd appreciate them' Finally I looked up. A slow grin was spreading over his face.

'Thanks Nick, for showing me these' he wrapped me in a bear hug. Normally I hated being hugged, but an odd warmth had seeped through me. Wow, I was off today.

Checking his watch, Wyatt said 'We should probably get back, Wayne might just kill me' he smiled a bit, and gave my shoulder a squeeze as we headed back together.

Not much was said on the walk back to Underground, but it was a comfortable silence. When we finally got there, Wyatt turned back to me.

'Finish it' he said.

'What?' I asked shaking my head slightly, still staring at Jude, who behind Jude's back was miming 'Call her'. I chuckled slightly and turned back to Wyatt. 'What?' I asked again.

'Your poem, finish it' he said. It wasn't a command, yet it wasn't a suggestion. 'Oh, and Nick, I'm here, when you're, you know, ready to tell me' Maybe it was the understanding in his voice that made me grab him in another hug. He seemed startled, but gently patted my back in a soothing and comforting way.

'I really should get back' he said, pulling away from me slightly. I dropped my arms, and nodding, turned to go… where?

'Oh and don't sweat Jen, I'm sure I'll be able to get her to lay off you for awhile' he said, then thinking about what he said, he added 'Or I'll try' Then he turned and walked back towards Underground.

I wheeled around and walked in a new direction. This time I discovered I was headed towards the Lemon. On closer inspection, I realized it was empty. Caitlin had tapped a note to the front that read something like 'Friend emergency, be back in a half an hour, Caitlin'. Friend emergency? Jen and Caitlin were after me. Great. Well, I had a half an hour. Why not finish the poem? I sat in my usual chair at the table and pulled out my notebook.

_But no, that can't be._

_You're too good for me._

_I guess you can see,_

_I'm a little off key._

_But no, I'm not blind._

_I see you've made up your mind,_

_To leave me behind._

_I guess I'm back to the grind._

_Why can't you believe it?_

_We're a perfect fit._

_And I've already been bit,_

_By the fire, the candle's lit._

_But in the end,_

_You're still my friend._

_I couldn't do this to you,_

_Even though I'd be true._

_But I'll always be there,_

_Just because I care._

_Though it's all I can do,_

_Not to say 'I love you'._

When I'd finished, I looked around and sighed. For the first time in a long time, everything felt alright.

Author's Note – I really liked this chapter, writing for Wyatt is fun. Are things really getting good for Nikki? Maybe, but something has to go wrong soon, or else this would be really boring. On a vote, should I stay in Nikki's POV or switch or to Jen's soon? I think I might stick with Nikki. Oh well, thanks for reading, and don't hate me for what I write.


	4. Divine Intervention

Putting down my book and leaning back in my chair, I looked around, taking in the distinct lack of people. I checked my watch, 1:15. Why did that seem important? I didn't get much time to mull it over before I heard a high pitched shriek.

'There she is! Over by the Lemon!' The trademark squeal followed by running told me who was coming. Though it didn't prepare me for what came next.

At first I expected them to sit at the table and interrogate me, though this idea was quickly dismissed. What happened next is still a bit fuzzy, though I do distinctly remember Jen's cry of 'Get her!' and Caitlin's plea of 'Please Nikki, this is for your own good' though at the time I was still trying to register what was going on. There was a loud scrape as they pulled me off the chair, followed by a Thunk! as I slipped on my bag and smacked my head off the table, nearly knocking me unconscious. I didn't put up much of a fight as they marched me out of the mall and into the bright afternoon light of the parking lot. Jude, being a year older than us and technically able to drive, was waiting in his mom's old station wagon for us to come. They shoved me in the backseat and sat on either side of me to make sure I didn't try to escape.

As he started to drive out, Jude half turned and said 'I'm really sorry 'bout this bra.' I sneered at the back of his head, but gave up the struggle. The battle was lost anyways. I resigned myself to staring blankly out the windshield as we got closer and closer to Jen's house. I tried to jumpstart my brain into thinking of a way out of this, but nothing came. I was screwed.

We reached Jen's house what felt like about ten seconds. Jen and Caitlin resumed their positions as guards, securely grabbing onto an arm each, and dragged me out of the car. They hauled me up the stairs and into the front porch, just a bit more roughly than necessary. Only after the door of Jen's room had been shut behind us did they let go of me. I walked over to Jen's bed and sank down as they continued to stare at me.

'This can go one of two ways. Either 1 – You tell us what's wrong and we spend the rest of the night girls' night style, or 2 – you keep being stubborn and we go ahead with the intervention.' Jen crossed her arms and waited. I sighed and buried my head in my hands. This was going to be a long night.

Curled up on the corner of Jen's bed, I felt Caitlin and Jen glowering at me from across the room. It had been two hours now, and I hadn't said a word. And believe me; it wasn't from lack of trying on their part. They reasoned, begged, pleaded. They guessed, compromised, they even got angry and tried tough love. And now they were just glaring. I wasn't sure if I appreciated the silence, at least they'd stopped pestering me, but now I had no way of knowing what they were thinking. The more I thought about, the easier the idea of putting two and two together became. It seemed ridiculous to me, laughable, that they had no idea. Or maybe they did. Maybe they were just humoring me, getting me to come out to them before telling me they'd known all along. But maybe I was being paranoid. Just when the silence was getting to me, Jen cleared her throat.

'That's it. I give up! You're obviously not going to tell us, which is stupid because it's only who you like. It's not even a big deal! I don't know what your problem is, why can't you just trust us? Aren't we your best friends? Isn't that what we're for?'

Ouch. That one touched a nerve.

'Can't you see? This is killing me. I want to tell you guys more than anything, but I can't. It's not as simple as 'who do you like' if it was don't you think I'd've told you by now?' I tried very hard to keep my voice steady, not to show the emotion that was now welling up inside of me, threatening to break through.

'I don't know what to think anymore. I thought we were your friends, I thought that meant something!'

'It does! How could say it doesn't? Look, I'm not ready to tell anyone yet, okay? So could you just fuck off for a while?' Jen stood up a little straighter as I said this.

'So that's how it is, is it? Nikki, I don't know what the hell your problem is, but you've been acting differently ever since me and Jude got together. It feels like I don't even know you anymore. I thought it was nothing, it would go away if I gave you some space, but obviously – ' I cut her off.

'Give me some space?! When did you ever give me space? Every single thing I do sends you breathing down my neck. I don't know how Jude can stand it!' I was practically shouting now.

'Don't bring him into this! He has nothing to do with it. Nikki, I swear to God, if you don't tell what's wrong, I'm leaving. I don't need this, not from you.'

'You wanna know what's wrong? You wanna know what's fucking wrong?! How 'bout the fact that I'm standing here screaming at my best friend? Or maybe that I can't hang out with the group anymore because the sight of you and Jude together turns my stomach? Or what about the fact that I'm with a guy I feel nothing for, he's like my brother, and I can't break up with him because I wouldn't hurt him for the world. My life is fucking crashing down around me, while I just watch, pretending everything's okay when it's not!'

'But what the hell does any of that have to do with me?'

'It has everything to do with you!'

'You're not making sense! For fuck sake Nikki, spit it out!'

Maybe it was hearing Jen swear, or maybe it was the seriousness of the situation, or the fact that everything seemed to hinge on this one moment in time, but something made me snap.

'I'm fucking in love with you, that's what's wrong!'

Silence. Jen's jaw dropped. Her eyes seemed to fill with tears, but before anyone had a chance to say anything, she's turned and walked out. It was only then that I noticed Caitlin was still in the room. She stared at me, slightly horrified, and I noticed she was clutching my book.

'Nikki…'

**Author's Note – Sorry, I know it's short and it's been a ridiculously long time, and I also know this chapter sucks, though an actual plot eludes me at the moment. Oh well, cookies will stimulate my brain.**


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